Tuesday, July 14, 2015

I feel bored and immature right now. I'm at work and should be working, but am not. I have a girlfriend now (finally, hereafter referred to as A.) but only get to see her a couple times a week. We said we love each other and now I feel intensely drawn to her, to the point where I occasionally feel obsessive, which I do not want. I've had enough of that. I've been emotional over dumb little things that usually have no effect. I feel some of that has come from loosening my grip on my emotions, A. is occasionally acutely emotional and I have been drawing from her example experimentally to see what happens, but I have little control once my emotions run free. I haven't been working on my ideas (weed has lower potency in me right now and I was starting to use it too much, so I'm giving it up for a little while). Time is slipping by, my mind is slipping away, I haven't been writing, I haven't been exercising. What is happening?

By the way, I was diagnosed last December with anxiety, moderate ADHD, moderate depression.

Posted at 02:25 pm
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Friday, April 03, 2015
Ideal situation

> Gay roommate brings attractive female friends to the house
> Attractive female friends promptly drag me into my bedroom

This is an ideal situation, I don't even have to leave the house to get laid.

(So as not to lie on my own blog that no one but me reads: this was the first time I've actually fooled around with one of his friends, although they all seem to be attracted to me. And I didn't get laid because I had already masturbated twice that day and couldn't get it up again. But we did spend an hour rolling around naked together, which was fun. I was also impressed by how easy it was, only five or ten minutes after we started talking she took the reins and pounced on me. I think my roommate talks me up beforehand but I'm not sure.)

Posted at 03:08 pm
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Sunday, November 23, 2014

I guess this is where I brag now, and I feel like bragging. I am apparently an attractive guy. Maybe not extremely attractive, but over the last few months (basically since I got new hair) girls have started acting weird around me. I also have a pretty ideal shoulder-to-waist ratio, relatively low bodyfat with lean musculature, height, and a moderately attractive face so I have a lot of things going for me physically right now... beyond getting a lot of eye contact while at bars, out walking around, or whatever there was also the girl from the sculpture place who added me on facebook without ever telling me her name then immediately withdrawing the friend request, the girl who sat on my lap, various climbing girls who touch me or stand close, the crazy drunk girl last night who was extremely aggressive (not a huge accomplishment but it's something I guess, if sexual harassment counts as 'something'). I'm still very insecure, so it's been nice getting some external validation again. It's kind of cute when girls are intimidated by me, it's giving me a glimpse of a world I've never been part of. I'm also more laid back than I used to be, still working on that though. I guess at some point I should start talking to people so I might have a chance at getting laid or having a relationship someday.

Today I went to a coffee shop and it seemed like the barista was looking at me a more intently than usual (have no idea really) and when I went upstairs a cute asian girl was looking at me, and kept looking at me when I looked over at her. That was mainly what prompted this post. After the crazy drunk girl last night and those two today and the others in my recent memory I'm starting to think that maybe this is more than narcissistic delusion, and maybe I should learn how to use this to improve my life.

Posted at 11:54 pm
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Saturday, September 13, 2014

I guess I'll write here this time since I've been falling back into old patterns. Spent a bunch of time writing poetry, starting to write longer stuff, starting to learn how to draw and paint... I'll figure out what I'm good at one of these days. But here's a shitty (short?) blog post complaining about girls, that one girl in particular.

My feelings about her wax and wane; I have no reason to think she would still be interested in me after two years without talking and after the last time we saw each other. I still kick myself for that sometimes. But at the same time she was kind of shitty to me too, flaked every time we were going to do something. I shouldn't want to be around her anymore but I still do, it seems. And yeah, maybe it's that I haven't met any other girls, maybe I'd forget her the instant the blonde girl reappeared in my life, but I had that dream about L-land and my dreams have felt awfully prophetic lately. Prophetic, or showing "past lives," in which case I may be doomed to repeat myself over and over. If reincarnation works toward enlightenment, and I instead re-entangle myself with her each lifetime, what does that say about love? But I'm looking into the future, and there are many futures... I could decide to talk to her again, and maybe she'd be happy about it, or she could send me a message, and I'd be happy about it. I think she has to send me the message due to how things were left after that last time, and it would show me she thinks about me at least once in a while like I think about her. I still doubt that it happens. But man, since I first saw her picture while browsing facebook freshman year of college I felt there was something important in her. When she walked into my house I tried to hide it, then when she moved in I couldn't resist and tried despite the odds and persuasive arguments against it. I was lonely, certainly, lonely but not desperate. If I was desperate there were other options, right? Maybe I was close to desperate. Probably was. Maybe I am now, since I've been exploring spirituality and drugs out of a broad desire for happiness, but my mind obviously still thinks there's something important in her. Best would be if we ran into each other next time I visit, whenever that may be. I didn't want to see her last time, but I think I might next time if nothing big happens in between. I've changed a bit, at least have been trying to become a better rounded person, maybe she's changed a bit too. Maybe I need to experience more before I jump to these conclusions. There are a lot of girls out there, right? They find me more and more attractive each year, I mean look at how much attention I've been getting lately! SIGH I don't want to push these emotions down anymore, but I don't know how to get them out or if I should get them out. I guess I'll ask the therapist next time if these emotions are still present. It's an important question anyway.

Posted at 10:14 am
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Monday, January 27, 2014
Leveling off for now

I read through all of the posts on this blog today. It started out boring, then it made me happy, then it made me sad and embarrassed, then it leveled off. I think the main thing I got out of it was an affirmation that relationships can be messy even without intimacy. What happened with the roommate sucked, but I couldn't have handled it any differently at the time. Probably not now, even. But it was nice to be reminded that we got along great at one point, and that she was attracted to me at times for being funny or confident or nearby or whatever the reason. It's a good thing to recognize in retrospect, because it tore me up when I was going through it. And in the end, that probably isn't much different from how an actual messy breakup would be. The chemistry is all the same, so these things hit you whether you expect them or not. The leveling off part is pretty new for me. I was diagnosed as being iron deficiency anemic last year, and since I started taking iron supplements my mood has mostly stabilized. I think vitamin B12 is very important too, which would make sense if I don't have enough blood...

I finally made an appointment with a therapist. It only took a year and a half of being certain that I needed to see one to actually do it. I hope it helps me sort things out in a more stable way than I have figured out on my own. I will be talking to hen Thursday.

I'm working on compiling all of the blog posts I have written over the last 10 years into a database that I can format into a book of some sort. I want to read through everything once to see what's different and what's the same, and maybe show the therapist if she wants to see it. I hope I can call it 'volume I' and maybe the next segment of my life will be 'volume II'... we will see.

Posted at 12:43 am
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Tuesday, January 07, 2014
So this is how it starts

Writing poetry is fun, but nothing will ever come of it. It could be a good way to get into writing short stories if I ever try that, then long stories if I ever continue that. We'll see. The odds of being successful as a writer seem so small that it wouldn't be worth trying. But at the same time it's a good creative outlet for me, it's fun, and it's helping me look at the world in a different light. Also to give up purely on the basis that it would never bring me money or success seems like a horrible way to live. It's basically how I have lived my life so far, and look how well that's turned out. I probably already wrote about how life is too long and I'm only now realizing it. It seems like something I wrote, it's definitely something I think about. I think a lot of that has to do with working too much, socializing too little. But writing helps with that.

I got coffee with some girl I met online. It went as well as I expected, in that it was okay. Sp. said I should get drunk and fuck her, which is probably true and would also probably be okay. I regret now ignoring that other girl who was texting me too much because she was waayyy hotter than this girl. I think I see now why she seemed so happy that I was talking to her.. she was lonely and not sure what to do to fill up the time. It took me 6 months to reach that point but I'm there now. For what it's worth I could probably start talking to her again and get back to whatever it was, but I'm not going to do that. Anyway, maybe this internet girl will give up on me and I won't have to worry about women anymore ever. I think I'm off to a good start because I have no idea what to text her now or when. I might just not text her until Thursday or Saturday and only invite her to get a drink. Balance is key in relationships. Text too much in one, text too little in the next. That's how it works, right?

Posted at 12:04 am
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Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Lots of birds

I got a haircut today. The girl who cut it was cute, seemed nice. Relatively easy to talk to. She talked about wakeboarding and pimples. She called me cute too, which was nice. A lot of girls think I'm cute, not many come out and say it. She said she studied economics at a community college for a year or two because she wanted to trade stocks for a living, but she dropped out because it was hard. I humored her and said it must have been the macroeconomics and stuff. She agreed and said she still doesn't know how to read a stock ticker. I suggested a book that she won't read. She was interested in investing because her grandfather is rich. I am reading Bukowski's Post Office and there's a girl in it with a rich grandfather from a small Texas town, like this girl. Thought that was funny. I can't feel emotionally attracted to unintelligent women. I can feel affectionate toward them, physically attracted, but a huge piece of the puzzle is missing. I had a dream once when I was younger where I could turn into a bird. While in bird form, a female bird fell in love with me. I felt affectionate toward her and protected her when I could, but I couldn't love her in a romantic sense. I was too different. I could be what a girl would want me to be but it still wouldn't be me. I don't know what the switch is from "yeah she's cute" to "holy shit I'm in love". I felt that flip switch with the roommate, didn't feel it with the ikea girl, then did feel it with the girl in my last post here. Maybe I'm the bird to a girl like that.

I started writing poetry last weekend for fun and I like it a lot. I'm not good at it but I'm probably better than most people who try it. It's something I can do when I'm alone and feel like I accomplished something by the time I'm done.

Posted at 12:39 am
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Sunday, December 08, 2013
A flicker of life

I went to the climbing gym I often go to, and eventually ended up working on a bouldering route with an amazingly attractive girl... and, also amazingly, she was talking to me! It's been a while since I actually talked to a cute girl, which isn't out of the ordinary but still seems weird. We only talked about the route I was working on and another that she was working on, but it seemed like there was a connection between us. She was way out of my league, to put it mildly, but she smiled at me a few times and it made my day. And she talked softly with a nice voice. And she sat next to me until I left. And she was wearing a t-shirt, which is apparently something I like. The way I felt reminded me of when I was lusting over the other girl last year.... which is bad because that was horrible in many ways. I think by the time I left the girl was catching on to the fact that she's way out of my league, so it probably won't go anywhere. In fact, just thinking about her right now is making me nervous which is pretty much a death knell, but I hope she talks to me again, even though I have nothing to say. I hope I see her again and she's not talking to 90 other guys who are all more attractive and better adjusted than me, as has happened with every other girl I met at a climbing gym (meaning... two or three).

I really need to find that therapist...

Update from three days later: Saw her again, she was climbing with another guy who also happened to be sitting next to us before. I wondered if she was with him at the time. Blah blah blah I don't know fuck it. Ahhh I need to flirt with girls or I go insane until I forget what it's like to flirt with girls.

Posted at 10:48 pm
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Thursday, November 21, 2013
A brief recollection of what was probably the objectively worst night of my life

Last February I had an interview with a small company in Chicago. I was living in northern Michigan at the time and decided to drive a few hours south to Kalamazoo and catch a train into town so I wouldn't have to pay a fortune in parking fees like I did the previous time I visited. The trip there was fine, uneventful except that it was my first time on a inter-city train. The interview went fine, and I spent a little bit of time exploring the city. The trip back was not so pleasant. It was late when I caught my train back to Kalamazoo, so I was tired. I got off the train at around 10pm and shortly realized that I had no idea where the fuck I parked. There also happened to be a massive snowstorm blowing through that night. So I trudged miles through snowdrifts in the freezing cold and dragging luggage whose wheels were not made to operate in snow, biting wind slowly draining the life from my skin. I walked in circles, exploring mostly-empty parking garages, wondering if my car was even still there or if it had been towed or stolen. Two hours later I found my car covered in a foot of snow on the top level of a garage near the train station.

My car does not handle cold well. The door latch freezes, so if I'm even able to get the door open it doesn't shut again. I had to rig up a system of ropes to hold my door shut whenever that happened. Many times the car refused to start if it was colder than 20 degrees. I was nervous approaching that car. Forunately the car started, but unfortunately my door was stuck open... again. I shoveled the snow off the hood and let it warm up for a while. I rigged up the ropes and drove around until I found a gas station, where I bought a snack and anxiously waited until the door would shut so I could drive three hours through a snowstorm to get home.

Eventually the door did shut, but the snowstorm caused pure whiteknuckle driving from Kalamazoo to Grand Rapids. That drive normally takes half an hour, but it took me two hours that night. From there the storm was on and off - by that I mean there were times when I could see the road and times when I couldn't. It was not enjoyable, and it was exhausting. There were multiple times that I stopped and waited for the storm to clear up, and I was desperately trying to figure out a way to stop driving and wait the storm out entirely. Unfortunately there were NO FUCKING HOTELS between GR and the town I was living in, so I had no choice but to finish the route. I eventually made it home and collapsed in bed.

I am sure I have had more emotionally difficult nights than that, and probably a few that were as stressful, but that one stuck out to me. I didn't recognize until tonight how shitty that return trip was. At the time I didn't really think about it too much, it was just something that happened and once it was done it was done. But that was a shitty ordeal, and I should give myself at least some credit for having gotten through it on my own.

Posted at 12:16 am
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Saturday, November 16, 2013
She is

Holy shit, I wish I felt like this about someone:

She is the day that gives me time
To love and linger, love my life
Until night comes on with sundown scythe
To end the puzzle pantomime

She is the day of love

She is the bridge on which I wait
To watch the river beneath me flow
All spinning, surging far below
Along the deep and bending straights

She is the bridge of love

She is the air I breathe, entranced
Awake or asleep, in storm or cold
A wind to wash my lifted palm
A sky that calls me out to dance

She is the air of love

She is the day through which I walk
Toward the bridge where she stands
She is the air I breathe to sing
She is the smile without demands

She is the smile that keeps me warm
With matchless laughter, eyes ablaze
A mischief mystery she plays
Upon the flute of early morn

She is the smile of love
She is the air of love
She is the day of love

Or at least write lyrics like that, holy shit.

Posted at 12:40 am
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